Prayers...or lack of them...

So yesterday at church we had a guest teacher. She grew up in Bulgaria under Communist rule - her parents were preachers/missionaries and her brother grew up to be a preacher as well - all were killed except for her. She spoke tenderly of her mother - a woman poisoned by the police and brought home to die - she spoke of her prayer-filled life of service. Her mother faithfully prayed for 7 years for each of her children before they were conceived after being told she could not get pregnant...she prayed musical talents over her first child (a renowned musician/performer, the speaker yesterday) and the gift of being a pastor over her second child. She filled in at the church, sharing the gospel when her husband was away in prison or worse for being a preacher...she did odd jobs to keep food on the table...and even as she lay dying she told her children not to cry for her because when she closed her eyes in death she would open them and she the beautiful face of Jesus...I could go on...

I think the part that is resonating with me most today is my lack of intentional prayers for the people in my life. I pray, be it sporadically, for my husband and my children...and I do believe that God knows my heart - my dreams for my babies...but as a mom, I have a higher calling to be active in prayer...to be faithfully asking the Lord to provide daily needs and protections...but also to ask him for his will in what lies ahead. I pray for my friends and family - but usually its when a time of need arises, some sort of crisis - rather than consistently coming to God in prayer on their behalf.

But one other thing that she said has completely changed my perspective. She was speaking to changes in our country since she came here in 1981 as a refugee under the Reagan administration. She mentioned the verse that is so well known, "If my people would humble themselves and pray, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear them and heal their land..." All my life, I've pictured praying for the wrongs of our culture...the rampant greed, sexual sin, hunger for power at the expense of others, etc...but yesterday it struck me that God is calling HIS PEOPLE (that would be me) to repent and turn from THEIR wicked ways (those would be MINE) and healing will come...

So while yes, I should be praying the big things...for our leaders, for our communities, etc...I need to be faithfully confessing MY sin, praying intentionally for my family/friends...and continually telling the Lord about how I know I need Him...may I never think that I've got it under control on my own...

Ugh...SERIOUSLY?!?

Okay. The ugly truth emerges. I have no self discipline. I use food to make myself feel better. I made it from Monday to Thursday without giving in to a craving -

Enter give-in numero uno: taking the kids to see Cars 2 where I subsequently left the movie no less than 6 times for restroom, water, crying, etc. I completely missed the end of the movie. And this was WITH backup - I mean, Justin was there too!! So...I asked him to PUH-LEEZE get me some Milk Duds when he went to get popcorn...but, applaud me here, did NOT ask for a Dr. Pepper. small victory, yes?

Give-in numero dos: Friday...car needs new battery which means I have to take my children to Walmart and WAIT while this is taken care of. Upon arrival, I'm told "It's gonna be a while." I'm all, "really? because I only see one other car and there's NO ONE waiting around..." The response from this very sweet lady was, "uh, yeah, but he's the only one working and he has to do that oil change and then he's gonna go on his break." Break. It's 9:02 a.m. Who the heck gets a break at that time? I mean what time was the start of the shift - 5:30? Fortunately for my sanity, he didn't take a break, was speedy fast and they even gave my kids water bottles to hit each other with...we were outta there by 10:40ish...

but on our drive to run other errands the car was still acting all weird and kind of shaky at stoplights and that makes me panic...but I braved Fiesta because I needed stamps to mail our rent and other things...and we needed juice...so we went...and wouldn't you know it? My baby - my compliant and easy son - throws an all out fit in Fiesta (why do they put BLOWPOPS and BATMAN BALLOONS eye-level and within reach of toddlers at the checkout?!?)...so, we we get what we need (after a mid-aisle detour to the restroom!)...and as I'm snapping at my kids amidst the averted eyes of the other sympathetic parents of little children, I realize DANG IT, I forgot the stamps...so we had to go back in...it was way more awesome than it sounds...so, what did I do after yelling at my kids once they were safely buckled and sweating in their car seats? SONIC RUN, people. Large Dr. Pepper WITH vanilla, thank you very much.

And it pretty much spiraled from there...holiday weekend...homemade ice cream...chips/salsa...hamburgers...you know the drill...some things are pretty clear, in retrospect. I definitely use sweets/comfort food as just that - comfort - from stress, frustration, crankiness, socializing, etc. Giving that up isn't as easy (or even desirable) as I'd hoped...so I'm going to have to start at square one. Maybe even before THAT, by admitting that this actually IS an issue for me. There it is. I will continue to update...

Fighting Cravings...

So. Yesterday I finally buckled down and fought some of my cravings. No soda - no Dr. Pepper or even diet Dr. Pepper. No sweets...this one was hard for me...I did oatmeal for breakfast, sandwich and fruit for lunch, banana for snack, chicken stir fry for dinner...I started to get a headache early evening...but I expected that...

So this morning? I'm cranky. I'm drinking coffee...but what I really want is a dr. pepper and some donut holes. The awesome part is that it's not even 9:30 and I'm already fighting some serious parenting battles too...and I'm realizing that this is a trigger for me...I feel like I DESERVE a large Dr. Pepper from Sonic for some of my "troubles." When I type it, it seems really petty and silly, but I swear that's what goes through my mind at some level..."I need a distraction...I need something pleasant...Sonic run, anyone?"

That's where I am this morning. Slightly cranky...feeling a little intimidated by making some serious changes to my eating habits...and annoyed to see my weakness revealed in what I previously thought was just a harmless indulgence...what may be permissible may not be beneficial...

More to come...

Made to Crave update...

Baaahhhh hahahahahahaaa....

Considerably harder than I thought. Several things that have been revealed to me by reading this book. (I'm on my second read-through now and actually answering the questions)

1. I'm incredibly dependent on food - specific ones - to boost my mood or fit into my routine
2. The thought of making serious changes, despite what others around me choose to do, terrifies me.
3. I'm lazy. I said it. I LIKE Dr. Pepper and sweets and chips/queso.
4. I'm skeptical...praying about my cravings...giving up certain things for good...sigh.

The reality? I'm tired of myself before I even try to start. I need accountability and a plan...I need to seriously lay down my "wants"before the Lord in all of their ugliness and vanity...I want to be healthy and attractive without having to work for it. Too much to ask?

I'll keep you posted...

Made to Crave...

One of my dearest friends gave me the book Made To Crave by Lysa Terkeurst...and I'm making my way through it. My plan - read the whole thing through once, just getting my mind/heart open to the topics...then dive back into it slowly, chapter by chapter, answering the difficult questions. Lots of layers there for me that I'm not TOO thrilled about uncovering...

Anyway, I was reading this morning (over a healthy breakfast of oatmeal, fruit and coffee, thank you very much!) and I skimmed this paragraph: "Its so easy to park our minds in bad spots. To dwell and rehash and wish things were different. But to think on hard things keeps us in hard spots and only serves to deepen our feelings of emotional emptiness. This is where pity parties are held and we all know pity parties demand an abundance of high-calorie delights, eaten and eaten some more. But pity parties are a cruel way to entertain, for they leave behind a deeper emptiness than we started with in the first place." (page 141)

I need to think on this some more - but immediately this speaks to me because quite honestly I've held ALOT of pity parties for myself in recent years...many do involve food/indulging myself in some way, some involve "venting" to friends (which really ends up being me whining and complaining about all the ways my life is not fair or what I envisioned for myself), some involve focusing on people/things around me that I'm envious of, and ALL of them involve lots of focus on ME and little to no focus on things above...

So this is me...I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and make some different choices this summer...I'm trying to uncover some of the roots of my insecurities and pull them out - replacing them with new things in Jesus...and this is a starting point...I'm open to thoughts, suggestions, etc!

Good News!!

Justin is officially commissioned!! He is a reserve officer with the Liberty County Constable's office. This is good because once you get your law enforcement license in Texas you have two years to get commissioned or you have to start all over...now we don't have to worry about that! Keep praying for a full time law-enforcement job...but definitely a step in the right direction!

My baby boy turned two last Friday - pics to follow soon - but oh my word. I can't believe how much he's grown even just since last year!!

It's SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!! If you could have spent this week in my classroom you'd understand all those exclamation marks. Sigh. Of. Relief.

More to come...

Classic (Peg)

This is a classic example of me trying to video a sweet moment and then it all falls apart. Prior to me turning on the camera, Lily was reading to Jude and then he was reading what she read. There's a page about brushing teeth, washing faces and brushing hair that particularly made me laugh...the following is what happened when we tried to recreate the magic...classic. And for those of you that don't get the "peg" reference, go to hulu and find the Saturday Night Live sketch with the Target lady and Justin Timberlake as an old lady. She's Peg. It's a reference to that.