buckle up for some rambling

So I am beginning to think that I'm a walking contradiction. Okay, not beginning to think...I've thought this about myself for quite awhile. And I don't think I'm alone in it...but I guess I'm trying to figure out how to live with myself...how to live life without feeling guilty all the time for the things I'm not doing the way I want to, or like I'm not as cool as this or that girl, or wishing I'd done this or that differently...

The following is a random list of things I would like to do. Some of them are TOTALLY limited by a lack of funds, and you'll notice that some of them seem to contradict with others...hence, my first sentence. In no particular order

Get a pedicure 2x a month and a massage 1x a month (a girl can dream, right?)

Sponsor a Compassion child in the DR and then go visit him/her yearly

Adopt - no preference from where, really, although I love the DR and Haiti, but am totally open to domestic adoption too as there are TONS of kids who need homes

Be cute and stylish - but age appropriately - and if I'm totally honest, I would want my things to be the "cool" brands. I was scarred by having to wear imitation keds as a child, and now I'm secretly a snob even though most of my closet comes from Target

Get a really rockin' tattoo on the back of my neck - my desire for this faded until recently I saw my cousin and his wife and she has one that is awesome - but she is also definitely in the category of cute and stylish and able to pull it off really well

Be more knowledgeable about healthy/organic eating, maybe plant my own garden, go to the farmer's market instead of the produce section, etc.

Be creative and crafty - making cool wall art or sewing fun clothes for Lily. This one is probably not going to materialize, unless I just copy other people's ideas. I'm not an artist even though I wish I was.

Be deeply involved with a ministry that works with orphans...meaning not only do we help support them but we also take family trips to visit and serve them on a regular basis

Speak fluent spanish

Learn to play the guitar...maybe even sing alongside my husband from time to time, although this one is a challenge for me because I HATE being on stage. It makes my stomach hurt because I care way too much about what people think of me and so I feel like a total boob. But if I could be really cool and sing like Jill Paquette or Bethany Dillon I would so do it.

Always have all the laundry done and put away. ha!

Be a really great hostess - invite people over for dinner 1-2 nights a week. Have fresh flowers on the table and yummy things to offer people, being totally at ease and not stressed by details and timing and clean up

Completely decorate my house - new furniture for our bedroom especially

Buy our own home and no longer rent, but not be stressed out by it at all

Be a part of a community of believers where we feel like we both fit in and have a place to serve well. Somewhere that my gifts are used, as well as Justin's.

Buy this little diamond cross necklace that I've been wanting FOREVER

Be totally debt free and live on only half our income and give the rest away but still be able to buy gifts for people, eat out on dates with my man, and take a fun vacation each summer as a family, along with the above mentioned service trips

Be really good at writing people letters and letting them know I've been thinking about them instead of just saying to myself, "I should write a note to so and so"

Have a cool haircut and be really sporty and in shape, but sexy too...

There are many more...but these are some of the things that bounce around in my mind from day to day....am I a total nut?