I wish I would'ves

I recently listened to a sermon series where the pastor was working through Ecclesiastes. In chapter 11:7-8 Solomon talks of the fact that life is to be enjoyed, for we don't know when it will end - and it will end.

Some of us will live to be old...so old that perhaps we even forget how to do simple tasks...or perhaps it will just be that the "keepers of our house" (hands) will tremble more than before. The pastor continued to use the two phrases "I want to's" turning into "I wish I would'ves" and that thought keeps coming back to me.

I want to be a lovely wife to my husband.

I want to be a really godly mom to my daughter.

I want to love people who are poor.

I want to do what is right in the sight of the Lord, and not be so limited by my own understanding.

I want to do things well - not halfway or halfheartedly.

I want to be refreshing to others, not one who takes but never gives in return.

I want to be a good listener.

I want to sing.

I want to adopt...or support families who do...or both.

I want to give generously - not being so distracted by materials that I "need."

Really, I could add and add and add to this list. But it all boils down to the first 4 things - so my task now is to live my life accordingly. Not waiting and saying, "oh next year I'll start that" or "I'm too busy to do that now" or "I don't know HOW to do this or that." How can I be beautiful to Justin TODAY? What can I do with Lily TODAY that shows her how much God loves her? What can I do TODAY to love someone who's poor? Where am I being disobedient, and how can I begin to obey TODAY? The funny thing is, while desires in my heart - my want to's - are really simple...living it out can really be quite complex...or maybe that's not the right word. Maybe it's just that it takes work...and thought...and prayer...and ultimately, action...

speechless

I am praying that God helps me to believe these words - that they would be my heart - and that despite deep disappointment I will trust in Him.

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights." Habakkuk 3:17-19

thanksgiving thoughts

it's strange to me how bipolar i can be...i mean, seriously. in one moment i can be bursting with love for someone, or completely enjoying a moment, and then in a flash my mind can go to fretting about this or that...the coming holidays and all the expectations that go along with it...bills to pay...prayers i'm waiting for answers to (and some of those, not so patiently to be honest.) i get snappy with those i love the most (like my husband and baby girl) and my mind begins to spiral about all the things that i wish were different about my life...the lives of those i love...and even the lives of people i've never met - like children who will die today because they don't have clean water or enough food. it's amazing, really...how quickly my mind can take a turn.

i read someone else's blog about thankfulness - and she used the very same story from the new testament that i was teaching to my students this past week. the story where jesus heals ten lepers but only one returns to thank him...the lesson? be like the one who came back with gratitude for the miracle of healing. the reality? i'm a lot more like the other nine.

so, having just turned 30 and in an attempt to accomplish "30 things to do while i'm 30" i am going to put gratitude at the top of the list...everyday i will begin my day thanking god for the blessings he's freely given me - and thanking him for who he is and that he doesn't change. i'm so glad he's not bipolar like me...

here's a few of my things for today: thank you lord, for a warm home to live in on days like today - it's rainy and cold, and yet i'm warm and dry. thank you for family - with all our quirks and differences, i am grateful for people with whom i know i am safe to be myself. thank you lord, for my daughter...for her laugh and her silly faces, and how she wrinkles her nose when our dog hank licks her fingers - but she giggles and goes back for more! thank you that you don't grow impatient with me, you don't get snappy or rude...and nothing is too hard for you.

This too, shall pass....

God has been faithful to make very clear to me one thing...that he is near...He is here. Philipians 4:5 says "Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."

In every scripture I've read, every encouraging word from friends, it seems to be the theme...and the reason He's having to remind me of this is because I've believed the lie that He's somehow uninterested in the circumstances of my life. I've believed that He is silent. I've believed that He sees my pain but it doesn't move Him to action. I've believed that my suffering is permanent...when the Bible says that everything has it's season. I've believed that for some reason, He must have decided to leave me this way - broken, tired and discouraged. How opposite these things are from His character!

I don't know if anyone reads this besides a few of my friends...but whether this is a reminder to a few or to many, please know that He is faithful. Even when your emotions tell you different. And it's not my job to figure out the "how." I am simply called to trust in the One who knows how.

my pumpkin

This is my precious pumpkin. For some reason, today my heart has been especially tender towards her. She has no idea, but she is teaching me so much about myself - much of it things that I wish I could deny...that I'm selfish, or fearful, or prideful...but she also is teaching me what it means to love deeply and without restraint. I can't really remember what my life was like before her, although she's only been here for 9 months...and I thank God for her because he is using her to show me a glimpse of how he loves me, one of HIS children.

My heart has also been filled with gratitude, as I know so many children came into the world at the same time as she did, but to completely different families and circumstances...many of them in conditions that are heartbreaking. My prayer is that as we raise Lily, that she will have a heart of compassion and mercy...that she will be heavenly-minded...that he will use her to bless others...

Learning anything lately?

What are you learning on Sundays at your church? What is your pastor teaching you? Is it Biblical...or is it something that is true about life, but not necessarily something from scripture...is it something that challenges you to be different - and to seek help from the Lord in order to do that? Is there accountability in your body? Community? I'm interested to hear what other people are experiencing on Sunday mornings.

Deflated

I'm deflated. I'm currently teaching part-time at an inner-city school. It's probably safe to say that what my students are exposed to on a daily basis is quite the norm in other urban settings across our country...

With my 4th graders today, I simply stated that some people don't believe in God, and while that's sad for them it doesn't take away from the fact that God exists in all His glory. They began to give me examples about seeing/experiencing abuse in their homes, addictions, and violence - all from people who don't believe in God. It was sobering...not just the content but the ease and casual way in which they spoke of it...one girl even commented about not seeing what the big deal was about a man beating a woman up. She wasn't kidding.

Then, my little baby 1st graders (and one of my most challenging classes) is studying Moses. To do a quick connect/parallel of how we are like Moses, I said that Moses was born into a scary world, and there are scary things in our world too. "What scares you?" I asked...here is what they said:

"when people get shot right by my house."

"when the crackheads on my grandma's street walk too close to her house"

"when people break in and steal our things, like my Dora TV and DVD."

"the time my grandma left me and my sisters at home and that man had busted in to the house. she told us if he came back again to call 911."

I thank God that as a first grader I knew nothing about these fears...and I grieve for my little ones who already experience them. Please pray for their safety and protection...and that they will grow up to be instruments of change in their communities.