Tagged - Sort of

I was reading Lindsay's blog and she tagged whoever reads her blog to do this...so I guess I'm tagged...and since I don't have anything else to do or write about right now, I'll give it a go...

8 TV shows I watch:
1. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse - would gladly give this up forever
2. Criminal Minds - but it freaks me out sometimes
3. Top Chef
4. Will and Grace reruns on lifetime
5. Intervention
6. The Office
7. sometimes Reba (to my husband's annoyance)
8. Paula Dean - but I never make her stuff, I just like how she says yall

8 Favorite Restaurants:
1. Lupe Tortilla
2. Collina's
3. Hungry's
4. Ruggles
5. Pei Wei
6. Freebirds
7. Taste of Texas
8. Pappasitos

8 Things that happened to me today:
1. Woke up and made banana muffins
2. Drove to grandparents house for a visit
3. Almost got run into on the freeway
4. Got a random craving for an egg salad sandwich (pregnancy??)
5. Almost got run into again on the freeway
6. Paid an exterminator to deal with an issue of rats in our attic. Sick.
7. Wrapped family presents
8. Watched almost 3 hours of worthless TV after putting Lily down for the night

8 Things I look forward to:
1. Being able to bend at the waist again
2. New baby in our family
3. Christmas presents next week with Lily and Justin
4. the day we can afford a maid - what, too much to ask??
5. Cold weather...hopefully!
6. a date night with Justin
7. a time when whipping up a fabulous meal is like second nature
8. sleeping in on a Saturday morning

8 Things I wish for:
1. Lily and her brother to genuinely love the Lord
2. a new (or used!) car so we are no longer a one-car family
3. more time to be still and think
4. a heart that is more trusting, less anxious
5. parenting wisdom
6. a comfy glider for baby numero dos
7. new bedding and some grown up bedroom furniture
8. a vacation

8 People I'm tagging to do this...um...feel free to do it...I like to read the answers

My greatest fear...

Okay, not my greatest but a pretty big one. This is old but it cracks me up!

Rambling thoughts from my drive to work...

It's the big question floating around right now: What do you want? Throughout the day, I can think of little things that I'd like to have but don't just go out and buy for myself...and I can think of plenty of higher-priced items that are on my wishlist...new furniture, all the essentials for Lily's big girl room, essentials for baby boy, fresh towels and linens - the nice kind...and even though having those things would make me feel good temporarily, that's not what I want either.

So today, I was driving to work with my A/C on because it's 75 degrees here and that's hot for the pregnant girl. I was sitting in traffic, not having a good hair/makeup/outfit day, and listening to KSBJ dj's talk about what you can and can't eat at a Christmas party to watch your weight. (They suggested eating only the whites of deviled eggs because that's only 17 calories - seriously?? what's the fun in that? They also suggested proscuitto wrapped melon balls. gross.)

Anyway, I was about to change the station out of irriation, but then the song O Come O Come Emmanuel came on. It was beautiful...simple, guitar and a sweet voice...not jazzed up or re-done...just the words. And I started feeling a sense of longing - This is not what I was created for...traffic, stress about my hair and what I'm eating, guilt about leaving my daughter with someone else 3 days a week, worry about what we will buy for whom and how to not go into debt doing it, pity for myself about the fact that I'm not all crafty and artsy and making gifts for people while my home is beautifully decorated with Christmas cheer and smelling of cinnamon and peppermint...you get the point...

Jesus came in obedience to the will of his Father. He came that we might have life...and He came quietly, with love and reconciliation as part of His mission. He came to set free the captives...to restore beauty and wholeness...to make things how they were intended to be...and so I'm pleading with Him to help me to focus on those things. To whisper to my heart in my frazzled moments - "this is not your home." And I am asking Him to help me to worship Him with all my heart, regardless of whether or not I get what I think I want. He knows what I need...and will graciously provide it.

Thoughts on thanks...

So, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I have yet to make my dishes to contribute to the festivities...yes, the true procrastinator. As a sidenote, I am making a pumpkin cake with whiskey whipped cream that I found on thepioneerwoman.com and it looks fabulous...I will let you know how it turns out!

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot this week of what it means to be grateful...and how I'm really not so good at it.

I realize this about myself when something happens that I don't like, and I'm sure you can relate. You know, you're thankful for your health when all of a sudden you feel terrible and have the lovely stomach virus that seems to be hitting everyone's houses. Or you're thankful for financial provision when suddenly money is really tight. Or you're grateful for the days that your child is delightful when you have a day that she's not so delightful...the list continues...

One of my very best friends has been handed a tragedy in the last week. It makes my heart beat faster and my eyes tear up just to write about it. And I have been wrestling with how to be grateful for it. I'm not grateful for it. It makes me sad, and heavy hearted. And yet God has been so gracious to bring thoughts and verses to my mind all week that talk of his mercy, his goodness, "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted," and mostly that he is close to the brokenhearted. So while He is always with us, I believe that He is especially close to my friends this week. I believe he sat with them and cried in the hospital room. I believe he sat at the foot of my friend's bed as she tried to sleep, despite her devastated heart. The mental images of Jesus' closeness make me cry all over again because it reveals to me His tenderness...and I am reminded that there will be a day when all things are made right.

So - what to be thankful for? The Lord's mercy, tenderness, compassion. His goodness, perfect love, and his nearness to us. Especially his nearness.

Sigh.

Isn't she the cutest thing you ever did see?

Decorating Inadequacies

So yesterday I made (and I use this term loosely) these little bulletin boards for Lily's room to hang her artwork. It was accumulating on our fridge, and we had these little 12 inch cork boards on hand, so I covered them with red/white gingham material and hung them up...but much to my dismay when I went in her room this morning, 3 of the 4 had fallen down. I suppose the adhesive squares aren't so dependable...yet I'd been trying to avoid nailing anything into the wall. Sigh. Attempt at creativity flopped.

Also, I'm at a total loss in terms of preparing for the little guy who will be here in March...I haven't found any affordable boy bedding that I'm in love with...and then there's the accessories to find - matching rug, a glider, etc. Meanwhile, I need to do something about Lily's new room...bedding, furniture, etc. It's overwhelming to me! I see pictures and think, "oh I love that" but somehow can't seem to put that together on my own. Is that a gene I was born without?

And don't even get me started on holiday decorating...the thought gives me the shivers. I love going into people's homes that have touches of the upcoming holiday around - you know, pumpkin spice candles burning, fall rugs or accessories in the kitchen/bathroom...and then I come home and think, "where do I even start?"

Helpful hints anyone?

It's a...

I realized that I put our ultrasound results on facebook (which, I'm going to confess...I'm not a lover of facebook...I know...gasp...I think it's eh.)

We're having a BOY on or around March 12. I can't believe it!! Please don't ask us if we have a name picked out, the answer to that is no. I'm terrible with boy names. Did I have a girl name all ready to go? You bet! So for now, he's "the little guy" or "baby" in my mind.

We'll keep you posted...but I am excited about possibly purchasing these for his little feet...are they cute or what??

Return to Blogworld

So, I've paused Law and Order SVU to wait on my husband to come back in the room so we can finish watching it, and while I'm killing time I thought I'd return to the world of blogging. I have some thoughts brewing and things I'll probably write about in the next week or two...but in the meantime I thought I'd post a pic of Lily in one of her silly moments, along with some of my favorite things that she says right now...in no particular order

mommy sit DOWN (with emphatic pointing to the floor)
read it! (more emphatic gestures with whatever random book she's selected)
ummmmm....
yeah (in response to any question asked to her)
hi mommy, miss you! glad! (this means glad to see you)
lu you
i forry (of course this one has to be requested)

Alive and Well...

We haven't fallen off the face of the earth, I promise. We are one of the 4% of comcast customers that are still without service...meaning no cable and internet...meaning if I have to watch one more tivo-ed episode of pooh or mickey I might collapse...but all is well and we should be up and running soon.

In 10 days we'll know if we're having a boy or a girl so that's an exciting post to look forward to!

Hurricane Ike

I don't like him. Know why? My house hasn't had power in 2 weeks, the mosquitos are the size of birds, and our kitchen ceiling has water in it and needs to get fixed. BUT, at least I have a house to live in!!! Sorry for being Missing In Action for the past bit...more to come soon....

Perspective

If you didn't see the Larry King interview with the Chapman family, you need to set aside 30 minutes, get on youtube and watch it. It's in 6 segments. I will only say that I hope to never experience the loss of a child, but should I ever go through a tragedy so deep, I pray that by the time it happens, my faith will be as firm as theirs. It is truly beautiful...

Girly Moment

Okay...most romantic movies are cute, and there are certain things that pull at my feminine heartstrings, but one of my top favorites of all time is The Notebook. It's on the family channel tonight, and I happened to sit and watch a few minutes of it. Every time I see this movie (which has probably been 8-10 times) I notice something new.

Tonight? There's a scene where Noah takes Allie to an old abandoned plantation home. He tells her he's gonna buy it someday and how he will fix it up. Allie coyly responds, "don't I get any say in this?" Noah says, "do you want a say in it?" And she proceeds to tell him in detail what she wants and makes him promise he'll do it. He quitely promises, with a hint of a smile. And you know what? Years later, when he works on the house, he does EXACTLY as he promised. He remembers the details and gives them to her, knowing she will be pleased.

What girl doesn't love that???? I actually got a little teary watching the scene, and it wasn't even one of the moments with sweet music in the background to really get you going. I'm not even going to blame it on pregnancy and hormones...I'm just secretly a romantic.

That Nicholas Sparks...he must have done extensive research with the women in his life before writing this one...

Some food for thought...

I read somewhere that when you're pregnant it's common to feel forgetful or "foggy" from time to time as blood flow is highly focused on your baby...brain gets deprived or something. I'm going to claim that! Despite my fogginess, I have had a few thoughts floating around in my mind...and then they run off again when I'm distracted by figuring out what to make for dinner that won't make me gag, what needs to be done around the house, etc.

I've been thinking about the fact that I feel like I'm wasting the time that the Lord has given me. I watch too much T.V. I get frazzled when I have too many things on my schedule, even if those things are good, like volunteering at the pregnancy help center or getting together with friends so our kids can play. And when I come across sites like www.jesussaidlove.com, I feel like even more of a slacker. Serving others doesn't have to be hard, or complicated, or even under the umbrella of an organized ministry that has a board to make its decisions.

How much do I really care about others? I heard a sermon one time that said if we want to know the answer to that, we should get out our checkbook. Ouch. How much do I really care about the suffering of others both here and around the world? Am I really willing to make sacrifices in order to meet needs? My cousin recently put an excerpt of an article on his blog that basically calls people out for being socially conscious on the surface, but not really sacrificing anything when the truth be told. You can check out the whole excerpt/article on his blog (ryan and sam in the margin) but this is the part that's been bouncing around in my mind:

"In other words: it is great when people begin to challenge the status quo as they pursue justice and mercy, but how excited should we be when it is very easy in our society to look, sound, and act radical without it costing anything?"

I'm passionate about urban ministry - I even worked at an inner city school for the last 5 years, but what am I doing to further support the families I have grown to love? I feel strongly about the need for loving ministry to women in crisis, but I only make it to the pregnancy center like once a month. I read a blog regularly of a rescue center in Haiti that is AMAZING, and often read about needs they have, but have I sent anything to them, or donated funds? Nope...I just read the blog, look at the pictures, and grieve...or thank the Lord for the family that runs the center and then feel like they are amazing and I'm not...but I don't move to action. Why don't I?

It's something I'm thinking about....

First Trimester Blues

What in the world? I don't remember feeling so out of it when I was pregnant with Lily, but then again I didn't have an energetic 18 month old to be responsible for either. I am fine, and I really shouldn't complain. I know lots of people get really sick and throw up all the time...THANK THE LORD I don't have that problem. I mean, I feel sick alot but that's where it ends. It's the lack of energy and motivation that's killing me. I mean today? accomplished nothing. Granted there was the threat of Tropical Storm Edouard (nice name!) which ended up being nothing but some rain...but Lily and I literally did nothing all day. I cleaned the kitchen, took a nap and sat on the couch. It's driving me nuts...but...I do know it will pass...so until then, here's another cute picture of Lily. We took the train ride at the Houston Zoo - fun but SUPER hot!

Mi Preciosa

This is my little one...at a bridal brunch for Val about a month ago, but this picture makes me laugh...She's a constant source of energy, messes, and abundant hugs and kisses. I love her mucho! Happy Monday....

Supastah

My sister in law has earned another gold star by her name. She already has many...and has gained many more since Lily was born 18 months ago...but today, she gets the mega star. SO...I'm pregnant again...oh yes! It's true! And we're very excited about this new little one that will be joining our family in March. However, for the time being the little precious is making me feel pretty crummy.

Meanwhile, my lovely Lily is trying to give up her morning nap but then is not taking a fabulous nap in the afternoon and that only gives me an hour to breathe and shower...and whatever else...like REST. So, today, I sent Justin a text telling him I was about to lose it...Lily was so tired she was like climbing the walls hyper and I couldn't do it anymore.

Not long after that, my superstar sister in law Julie calls to say she'd like to do something for me...why don't I let her come get Lily and keep her overnight...she'll bring her back tomorrow afternoon.

My response? Ugly crying and trying to say "thank you" and "okay, I would love that" all at once. Not one of my prettier moments.

So...the good news? I'm with child. The not so good? It's turned me into an emotional mess. Fortunately I know it will soon pass...

THANKS JULIE!!!!

HORRIFIED

Okay, so WARNING to my friends who read this. If you get a text message from a number you don't recognize, that looks like a forward from someone else, do not open it!!!!

I had an unpleasant surprise of some nasty porno slideshow pictures and after fumbling around for the right button, fortunately got it off my screen after picture number two which was MORE than enough for me. I quickly texted back to the number, something along the lines of "what in the world, do not send stuff like this to my phone! who is this??" and I got a reply of "idk." (i don't know? UGH!)

I know that pornography is rampant, and I don't consider myself to be in the dark about it, but do people seriously forward stuff like that to others like it's nothing? like a "hey, what's up thought you'd enjoy this?" it made my stomach hurt.

Careful out there, people!

made me laugh this morning...

i like dave barnes' music...and i saw this video on youtube and for some reason it made me giggle this morning...especially his intro where he is explaining his workout on the whiteboard...just watch it...

One Word Answers

1. Where is your cell phone? countertop
2. Significant other? justin
3. Your hair? bedhead
4. Your mother? joyful
5. Your father? wise
6. Your favorite thing? lily
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your favorite drink? dr pepper
9. Your dream/goal? peace
10. Room you're in? den
11. Your hobby? reading
12. Your fear? loss
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? generous
14. Where were you last night? home
15. What you're not? introverted
16. Muffins? banana
17. One of your wish list items? furniture
18. Where you grew up? houston
19. What are you wearing? slippers
20. Your pets? Hank
21. Your computer? apple
22. Your life? unpredictable
23. Your mood? rested
24. Missing someone? Val
25. Your car? black
26. Something you're not wearing? rings
27. Favorite store? anthropologie
28. Your summer? relaxing
29. Your favorite color? pink
30. Last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? ???

My new favorite song

Freedom!

This is an excerpt out of a book called Fruit of Her Hands. I've not read it, but saw this quoted elsewhere, and it gave me SUCH RELIEF this morning. I need to continue to think about it, but hope it offers encouragement to others of you as well.

A dictionary defines a principle as “a basic truth, general law, or doctrine used as a basis of reasoning or a guide to actions or behavior.”

A Christian woman must learn to think biblically; she must derive her basic principles of living from God’s Word.

A method, in contrast, is “a procedure or way of doing something.” In other words, we use methods to apply our principles.

Sometimes an overzealous allegiance to method will lead to confusion and controversy. Suddenly, pressure is exerted to convince women to join the group and support a particular method. The young Christian woman can be made to feel that she isn’t really dedicated unless she adopts “the method.”

We ought to rejoice in a common commitment to biblical principles and in the variety of methods God’s people employ. If we become overzealous for conformity to our method, strife between Christians will commonly result.

“Be at peace among yourselves.” (1 Thess. 5:12-13)

In a godly Christian home, the methods should be the result of the husband’s teaching and convictions with the wife’s support and help.

I often feel like maybe I'm doing things "wrong" with Lily. I let her have a pacifier when she sleeps, and in the car. Some people are opposed to "pacis." I let her eat Mac and Cheese sometimes, and even the occasional Fruit Loop. Some people give strictly organic foods and things that are not processed. I had to work part time, and so she was in daycare two days a week...I'm not planning on homeschooling...I haven't done a "mommy and me swim class." You get the picture.

These are all methods. And I'm under the authority of the Lord concerning how I parent Lily. Am I called to be engaged and active? yes. Am I called to be her authority? yes. Am I called to make healthy choices for her until she can make them herself? yes. Am I responsible for learning and thinking and praying concerning Lily? yes. The relief comes in knowing that its okay if how it plays out in my home is different from how it plays out in someone else's. I'm a huge victim to comparison (which I'm working on with the Lord!) and so it was nice to hear that different from someone I respect/admire doesn't equal wrong.

Praise the Lord for freedom within the confines of his word!

Refreshing

We had the opportunity to go to Dallas to visit some good friends for the 4th. although, i didn't feel very 4th of julyish because i didn't even dress lily in her flag onesie until the next day, and i didn't watch fireworks or eat a hotdog...but i had the most amazing pulled pork sandwich and corn with chile lime butter...courtesy of our hosts, which was WAY better. and i also had homemade ice cream, and if you know me at all, then you know this is me in my element! anyway, i didn't get on to post about what i ate...

i love chelsea and jesse and their sweet baby jackson. i love being around them because for some reason all my stress and worry melts. sure, it's a distraction to be in a social setting, but there's something deeper - a sense of calm that i have when i'm with them. they plant flowers and work in the yard together, they love to have people in their home, and chelsea doesn't seem to get stressed out by being the hostess, they encourage, they affirm, they help me to see things in new ways...

they love the lord authentically, and from that they love each other well, their baby, their family, their friends...and so i was a recipient of that this weekend.

my prayer is that the same would be true of us...that we would live generously...that we would have an open home...that we would serve well and love well...and that after walking away from us people feel stirred in their affection for the lord.

newlyweds

I love this one because of the way my little sister is looking at her husband...very sweet

buckle up for some rambling

So I am beginning to think that I'm a walking contradiction. Okay, not beginning to think...I've thought this about myself for quite awhile. And I don't think I'm alone in it...but I guess I'm trying to figure out how to live with myself...how to live life without feeling guilty all the time for the things I'm not doing the way I want to, or like I'm not as cool as this or that girl, or wishing I'd done this or that differently...

The following is a random list of things I would like to do. Some of them are TOTALLY limited by a lack of funds, and you'll notice that some of them seem to contradict with others...hence, my first sentence. In no particular order

Get a pedicure 2x a month and a massage 1x a month (a girl can dream, right?)

Sponsor a Compassion child in the DR and then go visit him/her yearly

Adopt - no preference from where, really, although I love the DR and Haiti, but am totally open to domestic adoption too as there are TONS of kids who need homes

Be cute and stylish - but age appropriately - and if I'm totally honest, I would want my things to be the "cool" brands. I was scarred by having to wear imitation keds as a child, and now I'm secretly a snob even though most of my closet comes from Target

Get a really rockin' tattoo on the back of my neck - my desire for this faded until recently I saw my cousin and his wife and she has one that is awesome - but she is also definitely in the category of cute and stylish and able to pull it off really well

Be more knowledgeable about healthy/organic eating, maybe plant my own garden, go to the farmer's market instead of the produce section, etc.

Be creative and crafty - making cool wall art or sewing fun clothes for Lily. This one is probably not going to materialize, unless I just copy other people's ideas. I'm not an artist even though I wish I was.

Be deeply involved with a ministry that works with orphans...meaning not only do we help support them but we also take family trips to visit and serve them on a regular basis

Speak fluent spanish

Learn to play the guitar...maybe even sing alongside my husband from time to time, although this one is a challenge for me because I HATE being on stage. It makes my stomach hurt because I care way too much about what people think of me and so I feel like a total boob. But if I could be really cool and sing like Jill Paquette or Bethany Dillon I would so do it.

Always have all the laundry done and put away. ha!

Be a really great hostess - invite people over for dinner 1-2 nights a week. Have fresh flowers on the table and yummy things to offer people, being totally at ease and not stressed by details and timing and clean up

Completely decorate my house - new furniture for our bedroom especially

Buy our own home and no longer rent, but not be stressed out by it at all

Be a part of a community of believers where we feel like we both fit in and have a place to serve well. Somewhere that my gifts are used, as well as Justin's.

Buy this little diamond cross necklace that I've been wanting FOREVER

Be totally debt free and live on only half our income and give the rest away but still be able to buy gifts for people, eat out on dates with my man, and take a fun vacation each summer as a family, along with the above mentioned service trips

Be really good at writing people letters and letting them know I've been thinking about them instead of just saying to myself, "I should write a note to so and so"

Have a cool haircut and be really sporty and in shape, but sexy too...

There are many more...but these are some of the things that bounce around in my mind from day to day....am I a total nut?

Dance Moves, or lack thereof...

Okay, when does it happen? When are you no longer cool enough to do sassy dance moves out on the dance floor and not feel like a total boob? Val's wedding was today (sidenote - very fun, very sweet, more on that later) and there was a DJ. So you know, in the beginning no one's dancing - they're all eating, talking, etc. But then the DJ switches to more "danceable" songs and the fun should begin. Is it because I'm 30? Is it because I'm a mom now? I mean, I'm not going to star on any of the reality dance shows (even though I do secretly love "So you think you can dance"), but I'm not without rhythm. Today? I felt so white - like I was somehow past the stage where I can do sassy/flirty moves, and all that is left for me is some sort of side to side stepping coordinated with some sort of arm pumping....so sad, really. Because I do love music...and love to move to it...but somehow I feel like I've lost my magic. So sad, so sad.

Mimi

So today, after taking Lily to the doctor, I talked to my sister. She and mom were on their way to visit Mimi, since she can't come to Val's wedding this weekend. She was at our wedding 3 years ago...but there is NO WAY she could make it to Val's. Mimi has alzheimers. And to be honest, at first the diagnosis didn't shake me up...I mean, Mimi seemed fine to me. So she was a little forgetful, and driving needed to be out of the question...but she was still Mimi. Still laughing, engaging in conversation, etc. I knew it would get worse, but I never spent much time dwelling on what worse would mean.

Mimi lives in a house with 5 or 6 other elderly ladies. They don't all have alzheimers like she does. Mimi sleeps alot. She's very quiet, and thankfully is not angry or difficult - I have heard of people who were once so patient and gentle turning so mean - this is not Mimi. She was curled up in a chair sleeping, Mom and Val were sitting on the floor near her, and all the other ladies were in their chairs or recliners around the room. A sweet older lady named Grace was doing "sit and be fit" moves to tapes that she changed out from song to song - two women were participating - the rest were either sleeping, watching, or in their own worlds. They did a particularly fun exercise with foam balls to Blueberry Hill - a classic. :)

The whole time, Mimi slept. She's so tiny...and really frail. When we left we all said bye to her, kissed her cheeks, etc. I said "Bye Mimi, I love you." and she told me, "okay. I'll be around."

I couldn't help but think about the lives represented in that room that had been confined to old bodies and minds that won't cooperate with them anymore. Some in the room are of realtively healthy bodies, but their minds are struggling. Others, like Ms. Grace with sit and be fit, are only limited by the fact that they don't get around as well as they used to - she was sharp!

What if we could have flashed back 50 or so years? Then they'd be my age, give or take. What if they had been sitting in the same circle, same recliners...but in their 30s? What would they have talked about, laughed about, lamented? I'm sure they would have discussed children and parenting, good recipes or household secrets to getting this or that clean....Maybe they would have talked about the latest gossip at church, or what was new in the lives of their husbands...Most assuredly they would have been more private than we are today with each other...but perhaps more hospitable or lady-like to some degree. But today, they smiled at Lily and cooed about how cute she is. They did their exercises. They waited for their snacks and medecines. They got their physical therapy. And tomorrow will be more of the same.

As Ecclesiastes both encourages us, and admonishes us...let's live our lives fully today. Don't be lazy or complacent. Don't walk in fear. There will come a day, if we live long enough, that our mind or our body (or both!) will no longer cooperate with us. And we will wake up each morning ready for our real home - in the meantime, love deeply and fully. This is a legacy that will live on...and I have been blessed to receive such a legacy from my Mimi.

Summer Fun

I promise that I do have other things going on besides just hanging out with Lily, but I have to admit that I LOVE not having to go to work right now. I love that I don't feel rushed in the mornings, that I don't have to "hit the ground running" when I hear Lily start to stir around so that I can get the both of us ready and out the door on time. Hanging out in the backyard, playing in the blow up alligator pool that sprays water? Awesome. Taking a nap in the afternoon while Lily does because I feel like it? Amazing. It's made me feel lighter, really. So here's a few new pics, courtesy of my sister...

How time flies...

So this is a pic of Lily from last June. I CANNOT believe how much she has changed. To me this is a great reminder that time keeps moving forward, and that the Lord can do so much in a short time. Everything has a season, a purpose, meaning...and He makes all things beautiful in His time. Each day gets us closer to the time when we will be perfected, made whole...

If you're in a tough season - hang in there. If you're in season of ease and peace - thank the Lord for it and ask Him to bring it to your mind when you need reassurance down the road. I'm thankful that He has compassion and care for us far beyond we what we even have for our own children - something I cannot begin to understand. Praise Him for His goodness!

No seriously...

I love my little girl. She cracks me up. Yesterday was our first official day of summer together, and after a crazy morning of errands and napping in the car, she dropped an entire bottle of cocktail sauce on the floor about 10 minutes before we had some friends (crawlers, not walkers!) coming over to play. So what did mommy do? Put her in the highchair with a nilla wafer while I furiously went to town cleaning, sweeping, mopping the mess.

Then, last night we had a minor first aid issue because as I was making dinner I turned around and she had gotten the green bean can out of the trash and then of course cut her finger on it before I could get it out of her hand...all is well, we have a prescription to go pick up in an hour for my peace of mind, but right now she has a bandaid and neosporin and she keeps walking around with her finger in the air saying "all better!"

This morning, I put on her brand new pink converse all-stars, and I said, "Lily, I love them! They look so cool!" She quickly beamed and said "coo!"

And then these, my friends, are 2 of my new fave pics of Lily (courtesy of Jenn) because it is so her...messy hair because we don't like bows (and by we I mean Lily)...pretty blue eyes that I prayed she would have...I love her....and right now she's dancing in front of an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, singing along with her favorite song - the hot dog dance - thank you Lord for the joy in Lily that is contagious...

Would you like fries with that?

Okay, so like my little sister, I am looking for a job. I am leaving Yellowstone Academy (www.yellowstoneacademy.org) and heading out into the unknown.

If you know me, then you know that the unknown and I are not BFFs. In fact I do NOT heart the unknown. Nope, I would rather have a little calendar handed to me with the generals penciled in...you know, like August 15th, start new job at _____.

I recognize that this is partly because I like things to be predictable and safe. I like to know that the details are going to fall into place, and to be completely honest, I would rather not have to bend over backwards to make that happen. It stresses me out.

So. Here's the delimma. I want to work part-time. I want to work two days a week outside of my house and then have the remainder of the hours be flexible - whether that's social or working on something from my home. I don't want to be in a classroom or work directly with kids. Gotta have a break from that. I am passionate about working in 3rd ward or somewhere like it, specifically with women. In fact, I was hoping to create my own little dream job of doing parent liason work at Yellowstone but there isn't money in the budget to pay me for that. Sigh. However, I have to admit that working at Yellowstone has really taken some fire out of me. (that, combined with the stresses of being a new mom, wife, etc.)

So maybe I need to take a step back from the highly service oriented job for a year or so...regroup, refresh....but then what do I do? Work at Chick-fil-a? I mean, I love their waffle fries and diet lemonade...but seriously. Oh, and I have to be able to make enough money for it to be worth it...meaning that I don't want to spend half of what I make on daycare.

I have talked with an organization that would provide a highly social service job in 3rd ward...and I LOVE the man that I would be working under, but the organization has a bit of a reputation for strong vision and poor delegation...which would be a total stress to me. Or, I have talked with another 3rd ward organization about doing some administrative work...which would allow for the stepping back I mentioned, but would it be too much? Would I feel stifled or bored by not having lots of interaction with people? Or, I have emailed an educational organization that is HIGHLY structured and that I'm already very familiar with because I heard through the grapevine that they're wanting to start a part-time position...but I haven't heard back from them yet.

Okay, people. There's the criteria. This is what I have on the table. Give me some clarity...what can I do??

Sixteen Months

Dear Lily,

In two days you will be 16 months old. I am not very good at scrapbooking, taking endless pictures, or the like. I haven't even finished your baby book yet - but I will! Instead I thought I would write you a letter from time to time to let you know how much I love you.

You are spunky and you already have such a mind of your own! When I say "do you need a new diaper?" you say "okay" but then halfway to your room it becomes a game of chase - you swing your arm and go as fast as your little legs can take you in the opposite direction!

You love to sing the "hot dog" song that comes on at the end of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. You walk around singing it all day long, but it sounds more like "Gog gog." Close enough! You can say Mickey, but you call it "Me Mouse" when you put his name together.

Your new favorite word is "airplane" and you point up to the sky saying it, even if there's no airplane in sight. Your Aunt Ju-Ju taught you that word.

Strawberries are one of your favorite foods. I swear you'd eat a whole container of them if I'd let you! You also love pasta, bananas, pears, green beans...and animal cookies!

Yesterday you were giving yourself kisses in the mirror... and each time you would stand up and giggle with your hand over your mouth.

Whenever I am on the floor picking something up (like all the books you pulled off the shelf) you come over and give me a hug wherever you can grab on to me. I LOVE it!

Outside is where you want to be! It doesn't matter if you're just wandering around the backyard with our big hairy dog Hank, pointing out squirrels, going on a walk, or sitting on the front step. You would live outside if I would let you, I think!

You are beautiful. Just beautiful. Everyone says you look so much like Daddy, and you do. But I like to think there's a little bit of me in there too! You have soft soft cheeks and your eyes are a gorgeous blue - not to mention those lashes! You have the sweetest smile and when you're being silly you wrinkle up your nose.

You love to say "Hi mommy" or "Hi daddy" over and over and over. Even if we've been in the same room together for a while, sometimes it just strikes you to say hello anyway.

I love how after we pray at dinner you can't wait to say "MEN!" And you know exactly which book has Jesus on the cover of it - anytime you hear His name you go straight for it.

I love you, little girl. You have blessed me tremendously in the short time you have been in my life. I can't believe that it's already been 1 year and 4 months...and I pray that the Lord would help me to soak up every moment, every laugh, every hug....you are precious to me.

Love,

Mama

Hallelujah

As I mentioned in my random post, I listen to podcasts from the Village church alot. I was looking on their website today to pass time between classes and found the lyric list for some of the songs they sing in worship. I don't know this one, but I love the words. Especially the part about grace for even me. I spend my hours at school teaching my students about God's unfailing love for them and His desire for thier good and abundant life in Christ. And yet I feel weighed down by all my failures...HELLO? That message is for my heart too. His love and grace are for me too! I love how He is faithful to remind me of this in the moments that I need it most.

Wonderful Grace of Jesus

Wonderful grace of Jesus, Greater than all my sin
How can my tongue describe it? Where will its praise begin?
Taking away my burden, setting my spirit free
For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me


Wonderful grace of Jesus, deeper than the mighty rolling sea
Higher than the mountain sparkling like a fountain
All sufficient grace for even me
Bigger than my sins, greater than my shame
O magnify the precious name of Jesus
Praise His name! Praise His name! Praise His name!


Wonderful grace of Jesus, reaching to all the lost
By it I have been pardoned, saved to the uttermost
Chains have been torn away, giving me liberty
For the wonderful grace of Jesus, reaches me

Cute Jewelry

I like this stuff...I think they are cuter with more than one child, though, so maybe I'll splurge when baby #2 comes along. (and no, baby #2 is not on the way!)

www.lisaleonardonline.com

happy thursday! (which is like friday to me because I don't work on Friday) :)

Random

i am: annoyed by how much time i waste watching shallow t.v.
i think: i am stronger than i give myself credit for
i know: that i love my daughter so much it hurts
i want: to not worry so much, to live freely and generously
i have: no idea what i'm doing after my job ends in three weeks
i wish: my husband and i were a really cool worship duo like watermark and that i wasn't so terrified of singing in front of people
i hate: when i speak too quickly or too much
i miss: my friends from the dominican republic (and the beach there too. paradise.)
i fear: mediocrity, "i wish i would have's"
i feel: restless...
i hear: the fan in the t.v. room...and nothing else...it's glorious
i smell: lily's "calming" lotion...it smells like my baby
i crave: dr. pepper at least once a day. it's ridiculous, and horrible for me. i know this.
i search: the internet reading blogs of people i don't even know...especially those of people who are adopting children
i wonder: if i will be a good peer counselor when i start volunteering at the 5th ward pregnancy help center next week
i regret: not being better at looking justin in the face and telling him that i'm proud of him
i love: when i'm crouching down picking up lily's things and she takes that as a sign that it's time to hug...she even pats my back...
i ache: when i feel moved in worship, a phrase, a beautiful melody, a truth that i needed to be reminded of
i care: too much about what other people think of me
i always: procrastinate and then get annoyed with myself for it
i am not: creative, but i really wish i was!
i believe: that children are our future. i'm sorry. that was unneccesary...but it's the first thing that came to my mind. can you tell i'm a child of the 80's? but seriously, who didn't love whitney houston back then?
i dance: at weddings
i sing: just about anything in the car by myself or with lily as my audience
i cry: when i feel inadequate or ashamed
i don’t always: wash my face before bed at night
i fight: when i feel tired, threatened or misunderstood
i write: a ton of text messages to my husband
i win: ??? i don't like games.
i lose: nothing...i always seem to know where things are
i never: want to be accused of being fake
i confuse: what i want with what i need
i listen: to podcasts from the village church in dallas whenever i go walking
i can usually be found: at home or at yellowstone academy
i am scared: of getting alzheimers like my mimi someday
i need: to clean out our house and have a garage sale
i am happy about: the fact that justin will be home from the astros game soon

Stuck

Ever have one of those days where you feel stuck...and you're like, "wait, how did I get here??" or rather, "why do I feel like I'm always in this same place?" (like the excruciating movie Groundhog Day.) I'm having one of those days. I feel like no matter how many dishes I do, there are still more. Same thing with laundry and picking up the trail behind my 15 month old love.

But the worst part is feeling stuck spiritually. I constantly neglect the NECESSARY things for those that are trivial. Like dishes instead of Bible Study or prayer. I know there are many reasons for this...laziness, pride (not wanting to sit down and spill my junk in confession before the Lord), distraction, guilt....So each morning I say to myself, "when Lily goes down for her morning nap I'm working on my Bible study..." or "when Lily goes down tonight I'm going to spend some significant time praying..." and somehow it falls by the wayside. Like right now. I'm blogging. She's sleeping.

Thankfully I serve a God of grace, and One who doesn't leave me to figure it all out on my own. My prayer for today is simply that he would help me to do what pleases Him in each moment...that my heart would love Him more by the time I go to bed tonight, that my faith would be a little bit stronger and that I look a little more like Jesus. Praise to the One who doesn't desire to see us stuck!

Normal?

Comments like these have become normal to me, so much so that I don't even notice them anymore...but every once in a while, I realize that they're actually kind of funny...

"This be my Bible teacher Mrs. Johnston. She's my best Bible teacher, well she be my only Bible teacher, but she still da best. She be teaching us everything we be knowin' in Bible."

Me: Who is walking like a big boy or big girl down the hallway, with hands behind their backs and mouths closed?
A few 3 year olds: I'ma is!!!!

"Ugh! Mrs. Johnston! That boy always gotta be markin' me!" (she meant mocking)

friend keepers

I went to a shower today for one of my dearest and longest friends ever. Her name is Katie, too. We'll call her Katie N. And our other friend Katie was there as well - she'll be Katie S. So, today was a reunion of the Ka(y)tie's so to speak. KAtie N lives in NY, Katie S lives in Dallas...so we are rarely together. We are currently celebrating Katie N's engagement and I couldn't be more thrilled for her.

Today after Katie N opened her gifts, her mother prayed a prayer of thanks to the Lord for His goodness and love that has been shown to us through a roomful of friends gathered together to celebrate with Katie. She thanked God that he has given them the desire to be "friend keepers." I thought a lot about that phrase as I was driving home and I had one of those rare, completely happy moments by myself in the car.

When I am around my Katies, I am reminded of where I come from, and who it is that I want to be. I am able to see growth between my past and my present, without feeling discouraged over the areas in which I still have such a long way to go. I feel safe, and comfortable and I laugh a lot. My problems don't seem so big around them. I don't feel insecure or self conscious. I think ultimately these are blessings from God because He has mercifully made our friendships wide across time, but also given them great depth...and in so doing, He has loved us through each other.

So, here's to being friend keepers.

Type A?

I often think of myself as a type-A personality: I think that means a person who likes to make a list and cross things off the list, with a great sense of relief and accomplishment with each strike-through. I've even gone so far as to put something on the list that I've already done, just so I can cross it off! (Yes, I do realize that's really lame.)

The thing is, though, I also have this other list that's running through my mind...random things that need to be done, a "wishlist" for my house, myself, etc. that I don't ever write down. When I have the thought, or see something that sparks it in my mind, I think "I should start actually writing these things down somewhere..." and then I don't. But the problem is that it's steadily growing. Some of the things on the list are really important - needed to be done yesterday, if you know what I mean - and others are simply dreams of what I would do today if finances weren't an issue, or time weren't an issue, or whatever.

A few of the things that would be written down if I actually sat down and did it:

Make a dentist appointment (yuck)
Clean out the fridge and pantry
Find a new shower curtain, towels and sheets just because I'm tired of what we have
Re-vamp my wardrobe with classics/basics that I can mix/match for the same reason as above
Finally clean out our closet in the study and get rid of everything we never touch
Get the car washed (it's SO BAD!)
Buy furniture for our bedroom that's grown up and coordinated
Landscape the front yard
Research adoption - both domestic and international
Write letters to people instead of emails

You get the idea...it's randomness...but I am wondering if I'm alone in the constant list making in my head....

birthday princess

So after my total downer of a post last night, I wanted to put up something light and happy. So here's a picture of my lovely daughter on her first birthday back in January. This is one of my favorite pictures of her because:

1. cake and icing? fabulous
2. cake and icing all over the hands and face? even better
3. room full of people standing around watching you get cake and icing everywhere? LOVED

She really does make every day fun - thank you, Lord for Lily!

Ugh

Sometimes I just feel ugh. And by ugh, I mean:

Like my days are filled with picking up toys (over and over and over and over),

Cleaning dishes (that seem to multiply on their own in the sink),

Thinking of things to add to the proverbial to-do list that I never actually write down (even though I allow myself to feel plenty of heaviness over the length of the dang thing),

Wishing I were thinner and more fit and more "hip" (as I eat another bite of cookie dough),

Distracting myself with TV, a pointless book, or surfing other peoples' blogs (which then leaves me feeling even less creative and exciting than I did before - unless it's watching Lost - that show, I love!)

Teaching lessons at school that are prepared with mediocrity and feeling sad over the fact that things are not as they once were (and even in moments of calm when I feel that the Spirit is giving me words that I didn't come up with, I can turn around and feel angry at the very 7 year old who needs to know the love of God the most - what IS that?)

Knowing that I have a wonderful husband who loves me (and still finding something to be unhappy about, even if it's petty or selfish)

This whole post is a real downer, I know. But the reason I've avoided writing since like December is because I feel like I have nothing clever or cool to say...and yet, I also know that I am loved by the Lord. Not just in the "for God so loved the world" way, but in a personal way. What keeps me from walking in THIS reality that I am loved as I am right now - not the version of me that is able to fix all the things on the above list? I'll write more on this when I have an answer.